


Only the Fearless Steek

by anarchycox



Series: Knitter Eggsy Universe [10]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Awkward Conversations, Feels, Found Family, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Suicide Attempt, Support Groups, Teenage Sass, merlin's past, merlin's present
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-07 03:13:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15899739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anarchycox/pseuds/anarchycox
Summary: Merlin occasionally leads the support group at the hospital for those who have lost a limb. There is a very angry teenager who comes to the group. He has Eggsy's chip on his shoulder but the anger? The anger in him is something that Merlin well understands. Something buried deep in himself that he seldom acknowledges. Merlin wants to help the boy, though he doubts that help will be welcome. But he'll try.This is the story of how Merlin and Eggsy gained a son.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go everyone, the true and full story of our Sasha and it will also answer several lingering mysteries about Merlin.

His name was Alexander and he liked to say fuck you and shove off and he was wearing an Eggsy scarf and eyeliner. 

Poorly done eyeliner, boy had probably used too hard a pencil.

Three sessions now, one he had lead and the boy mostly cursed them all out when they tried to talk to him, but he had been coming back and Merlin was pretty sure that was Eggsy's influence. But still, the kid was likely to stab out his eye. Merlin raised a hand when the group leader asked someone to speak. "Alexander -"

"Oi, I'm not opening up and sharing my pain. Fuck off," Alexander slumped down in his chair even more.

"I don't care about your pain," Merlin replied and a few people gasped in shock. There was a glimmer of interest in Alexander's eyes before he want back to not caring. "I care about the shit job on your eyeliner. Try liquid or a softer pencil, ye are going in too much and will stab an eye out."

"Like you know," Alexander muttered.

"I'll bring what I use next time," Merlin said easily and smiled. There again was the moment of interest in the boy.

The group leader tried to seize on the moment. "Alexander would you like to join in the conversation?"

"Nope," Alexander glared at her. "I'm fine."

"You don't have to be, not everything needs to be fine. That's the point of this group is that we all understand." She tried a soothing smile at Alexander and he just gave her a rude gesture. She tried to maintain her smile but it slipped a little when Merlin snorted in laughter. "Lachlan, you mentioned some tweaks to your leg bothering you, would you care to elaborate?"

Merlin shrugged. "A new polymer, should provide more sensitivity and improve balance, but it feels like change for change sake, not really caring about what I wanted or was accustomed to. Years and the people who make my prosthetics always tinker, try to improve on what satisfies me. They see it as a gift, and most days I do too. And then others it feels like pity, them trying to make me whole again."

"Would that we were all so lucky to have the shit you have Lachlan."

"I am luckier than most, but the problem with being the guinea pig for R&D people who do this in their spare time is that sometimes? Whoops sorry the leg melted we'll get it next time. One hint of sun and melting. "Oh well it is London we didn't think it necessary to take the sun into account" They are helpful and very very not helpful." Everyone in the room gave a small laugh at that, most used to the stories of Merlin's various legs. Alexander's glare just intensified. There was more talk and then the woman leading the session reminded them that in two weeks, Merlin would lead the group because she was at a conference. The group broke up and Alexander almost ran out as he always did.

"Try to honestly talk to him, Lachlan, next session," the woman begged. "He is coming, which is better than before, but he needs to open up."

Merlin shrugged. "Not necessarily, opening up sucks."

"It does, but it also helps and you'll have a better chance than me."

Merlin nodded and left the meeting and found Eggsy down in the cafeteria. "What's that then?" he asked, looking at the black yarn. "You don't like plain black."

Eggsy beamed at him. "You remember my yarn preferences."

"Of course I do," Merlin muttered and stole Eggsy's tea. "House is full of bloody yarn, what 60, 70, balls, and like two are black."

Eggsy kissed his cheek. "It's adorable that you think it is only sixty or seventy balls."

"How much is it?"

"How much have you dropped on W.O.W this month?" Eggsy countered.

"So then, why the black?" Merlin frowned, the tea was vile. He then took another sip.

"Hat for the baby goth in your group."

"You already made him a scarf." Merlin took another sip of tea and made the face again. Eggsy took the cup back and Merlin reached out. "Gimmie."

"No, you hate it, you don't need the caffeine that bad," Eggsy replied and chugged the rest. "There now it won't taunt you. And he looks like he needs a hat."

"He needs a lot more than a hat, Eggsy," Merlin said. "That boy is a mess."

"Well sure, but I can't fucking fix that, but I can keep his ears warm." Eggsy finished the round. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," Merlin said.

"You can tell them to stop fiddling with your leg," Eggsy suggested. Merlin gave him the Merlin face. "Just saying. Your leg. Yours."

"Just make it pretty for me and I'll be fine."

Eggsy put his yarn into his pug bag. "Oh, I'll make it pretty, just you wait."

"That was terrifying," Merlin went tense. There wasn't an evil laugh but there may have well as been. "I'm fine with the plain metal," he added desperately. And oh joy, there came the evil laugh. "Let's get some takeaway and ignore work for the rest of the day?" He knew he was sending out Eggsy next week, and he was going to be gone at least three weeks. He despised when Eggsy had long missions and it had gotten worse the more years they had together. He wanted Eggsy with him, and he knew it was selfish and he did not give a fuck.

Eggsy took his hand. "Sounds good," he agreed and they left. Merlin caught sight of Alexander waiting for the bus but before he could offer a lift, Alexander shifted so his back was to them. He left the boy be.

**************************************

The whole group froze when Alexander raised his hand. "Yes?" Merlin asked.

"What the fuck is up with your leg?" Alexander pointed. "It's bulging in your trousers more." Another guy in the room snorted and Alexander rolled his eyes. "Yeah, har har, come on bruv, the teenager didn't laugh at that, you shouldn't either. The fit is different."

"You noticed that? It isn't much." Merlin was a little surprised.

"It's different," Alexander insisted. "You got more fancy tech you want to brag about in front of us who get the shit left in a back room that no one wants?"

Merlin tilted his head a little. "Your arm is a smart arm, with full connectivity, I don't know that you should be slagging it so much."

"Huh?" Alexander looked at his arm.

"You have it linked to your phone app, yes?" Merlin said.

"You mean this phone?" Alexander pulled a pay as you go flip phone out of his pocket. "Fuck you. And don't deflect why is your leg different?"

"Jesus kid, that is really rude," one of the others pointed out.

"Piss off, let him answer. Go ahead brag."

"Very well," Merlin agreed and pulled up his trouser leg. "My husband and his knitting group yarn bombed it after I requested they make it pretty."

Alexander touched the scarf he was wearing. "You're married to Pug Man?"

Merlin almost fell out of his chair laughing. "Eggsy, aye. I'm calling him that just to see what happens." He looked down at his leg. "Sometimes my leg is painted, sometimes it is yarn bombed. And never in a way I can anticipate."

"Why don't you take it off then?" Alexander pressed.

"Because he did it for me," Merlin replied. "He cannae stop the pain, but he can make me smile, remember that there is someone who wants to wrap me in a blanket. No, I couldn't remove his work." Merlin didn't mention that Alexander had been wearing the scarf to each session for over a month now. "Alexander, catch." He threw a small makeup bag at him, and Alexander caught it. "More eyeliner options, as promised." He looked around the group. "Now, shall we talk about phantom pain?" Merlin thought the session went well and afterwards everyone tucked into the biscuits that Sin had made that Merlin brought along.

Merlin noticed Alexander lingering when he usually ran out the door. Eventually they were the only two left. "Alexander, is there something you need to talk about?"

Alexander shrugged. He picked up a biscuit and nibbled it. Merlin ignored the previous three that were put in his bag. The boy was decent at slight of hand but not as good as Eggsy had been. Still was. Merlin took a biscuit as well. "Thanks I guess for the eyeliner?"

"Ye are welcome," Merlin replied and wrapped up the last few cookies to drop at a nurses station.

"You really just let him fuck with your leg like that? Innit a little too personal?" Alexander questioned. He wrapped his hand around his prosthetic, protecting it. 

"Well I let him fuck me and that is pretty personal, letting him yarn bomb the leg a little less so," Merlin's voice was completely deadpan and startled a laugh out of Alexander.

"You need to give him this back," Alexander said and reached up to take the scarf off.

Merlin instead pulled a hat out of his bag and plonked it on Alexander's head. "He was worried about your ears and flu season. Have to keep warm."

"Wot the fuck?" Alexander touched the hat that matched the scarf.

"The wand chooses the wizard."

"You into that shit too?"

"I'm more a Star Trek man," Merlin replied. "They are gifts. It is bad luck to return yarn craft that was made for you. Or at least so I've been told. Have a good day, Alexander." Merlin finished packing up.

"Why aren't you trying to cuddle me? Make me feel better? All that shit they usually do here?"

"Because I am old and cranky and busy and you have free will," Merlin replied. "If ye want my help it is here."

"That simple? Bullshit," Alexander replied.

"As you say."

Merlin gave him a nod and almost made it to the door.

"Are you going to be here next time? They say you often disappear for months." Alexander's voice betrayed the nerves he was trying to hide.

"Would you like me to be?"

"Whatever," Alexander shrugged and stormed past Merlin. "Group is bullshit."

"I'll be here," Merlin called after him and he smiled when Alexander kept walking, flipping him off.

Next session though, Alexander took the seat next to him, glared at him, daring him to say something.

"Eyeliner is better, watched some youtube videos did we?"

"Leg still covered in granny squares?" Alexander shot back.

Merlin smiled. "No, this is the leg with the rocket launcher in it, the yarn catches on the mechanisms too easily."

Alexander laughed out loud at that. 

Merlin didn't comment that he was wearing the hat and scarf.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

"You look angrier than usual," Alexander said. Merlin looked super pissed. The guy usually did, he absolutely had resting murder face, but today it was extra. It was a little before group started and Merlin was just sitting there, checking his phone and looking angrier and angrier. Alexander knew better than to approach people who looked like that, but Merlin wasn't one of the guys he occasionally ran for. "You okay, bruv?"

"No," Merlin replied and glared at his phone more. "Eggsy was due home a few days ago, but heard about some fabric that our head tailor might like and went off on a wild goose chase, not like he's already been away for three weeks, not like I miss his dumb arse in bed. Not like the dogs are missing him." Merlin grumbled some more. "Stupid. The houndstooth was nae that impressive."

Alexander snorted a little. "Miss your boy toy do you? Are you like his sugar daddy?"

Merlin gave him a look. "He is nae that much younger than me."

"How much?" Alexander challenged.

"Twenty five years," Merlin said. "We have friends who are like twenty eight years difference."

"That a human adult," Alexander said. "How do you know he ain't stepping out on these business trips?" He froze because this time the look Merlin gave him was terrifying. "Sorry," Alexander said quickly and took a step back. "Pug man seems square, doubt he's chasing down anyone out there."

"Eggsy and I have been through a lot together, and we are a unit. I love him and he loves me, and nothing, Alexander would cause him to be disloyal to our relationship and the same goes for myself."

"Yes, sir," Alexander agreed, his head bobbing furiously. It was the first session in a while that he didn't sit beside Merlin. He kept glancing at the man, who this time didn't participate even though he always said a few words. At the end he was sitting there, checking his phone again. "If you didn't want to be here, because you were worried about your guy, why did you come?"

Merlin looked up at him in confusion. "Of course I came."

"Yeah, but why?" Alexander pressed.

Merlin looked at him. "You asked me to be here." He nodded, like that was all the explanation he needed to give.

"I don't..." Alexander didn't respond, he couldn't. A fucking stranger, missing his husband, and pissed at the world, showed up because Alexander sort of implied he liked Merlin there. It implied that Alexander mattered. Alexander didn't matter to anybody. "Fuck off," Alexander said and ran out of the room. He was happy that he managed to catch a bus quickly and didn't see the man leaving. He went home to his estate and when he went into the flat, it was completely trashed. "Oi," he shouted. "Wot the fuck is going on?"

"Had a bit of a party this afternoon," the man giggled. 

"The couch I sleep on got shredded!" 

"Was a really good party."

His cousin, well second cousin, maybe third, he didn't really know was high as a fucking kite. "Great, guess I'll crash two floors down," he muttered and went to a friend. Only they had family visiting. Alexander went to the five different flats he couch surfed in, but everyone was busy. This meant sleeping in the halls, which the estate halls at night were not warm or safe. He remembered though that the hospital had an all night cafeteria. He took a bus back in and stopped at the bookstore a block away, he was up to the sixth Harry Potter book. He went to the cafeteria and bought a muffin and a cup of tea. There was a nice back corner where he figured he'd be left alone. He curled up and began to read. Soon enough he was well settled in and fifty pages passed in a blink.

"Alexander?"

He looked up. "What are you doing here?"

"I was at the NICU," Merlin explained.

Alexander's eyes widened, "Oh fuck is your kid in there?"

"Nae, I volunteer," Merlin said. "I'll go up again in a bit, would you like some company?"

Alexander shrugged, "Whatever."

Merlin nodded and went to the counter and returned with more tea and food. "They need to get rid of some, eat."

Alexander scowled. "Don't do that crap."

Merlin shrugged. "Go ask them if you like," he tucked into some sort of wrap sandwich. "This was definitely about to go off." 

"Then why are you still eating it?"

"Fuel, and I've had worse."

Alexander decided he had had worse too, and grabbed the other sandwich. It wasn't as dreadful as it could have been. "So what's with the NICU?"

"Ugh, chew then talk," Merlin said and drank some tea. "Fuck that is dreadful," he added, "Anyways they need people to hold babies, skin to skin, and the like."

"Yeah but why? You have a kid in there at some point?"

"No," Merlin put aside the last of his food, and Alexander took it, daring him to say anything. Merlin didn't comment. "I...a long time ago I spent a good bit of time in hospitals and hospices, and decided to become a volunteer, I had some medic training, not that volunteers are allowed to use it. It reminds me that when the world is dreadful, people try to help people."

"People don't help each other, they just knock each other down on their way to survival," Alexander said. He decided to ignore Merlin and go back to reading his book. But the guy didn't leave. He just sat there drinking the tea. "What do you want then?"

"Come back up with me," Merlin suggested softly. "I think it will do you some good."

Alexander glared at him. "Like they'll let me hold a baby with this."

Merlin lifted up his skeletal metal fingers. "They let me well enough, lots here could pinch a babe. It never does. What else do you have going on? Reading the crapiest Harry Potter book?"

"Hey it is better than Chamber," Alexander protested.

"No Chamber is better due to being shorter," Merlin commented. "The odd numbers are the good ones, like how with Star Trek movies the evens are the good ones."

"Fucking nerd," Alexander said.

"Aye," Merlin replied. "Come with me."

"You trying to prove something? Like some larger cosmic message, that hey I'm missing an arm but like I don't have it as rough as those babies? I should man up or some such shit?"

"I'm lonely without my husband and they are short staffed, and those wee ones need love. And tonight I have spare to give and will share with them. Do you have spare?"

Alexander snorted a bit. "I ain't loved anyone in a long time. And no one sure as fuck ever loved me." He looked up waiting to see Merlin look at him with pity.

"Come with me," Merlin repeated. He was so fucking calm and still and sometimes, Alexander admitted to himself that he wished he could just have a corner of that calm.

He shrugged and threw the book in his bag and cleaned up the rubbish. He was quiet as they rode the elevator up and Merlin showed him a place he could stash his bag, but he wasn't letting it out of sight and Merlin and the nurses didn't fuss. Merlin washed his hands and Alexander struggled to match the scrub that Merlin was doing. The prosthetic didn't let him get crevices easily. Merlin came over. "May I?" And Alexander nodded and Merlin helped him clean to hospital specs. A glove was put on the prosthetic and he was wrapped in a gown. Merlin had a glove on the hand with the prosthetic fingers. And took off his shirt.

"Huh?" Alexander asked. "Do I have to?"

"No, you are fine, I'm doing some more skin to skin," Merlin explained and a nurse took them into the room.

The machines were so big for the bodies they held. There was so much noise in the quiet, beeps of machines, a child's screams, squeak of a rocking chair. "Lachlan thank god you are back, this wee one needs you," a nurse said and stood up. Merlin sat down and the baby was put against his chest and a blanket thrown over them both. He began to rock and hum and in just a few moments the child quieted. "He has the magic touch, and runs warm." She looked at him and Alexander hugged his prosthetic arm. "His husband tends to read to babies, would that interest you?"

"Yeah, I can do that. You got kids poems? They'd like how that sounds I bet," Alexander flushed a little. "That was stupid, they don't care."

"On the contrary they care, the rise and fall will be soothing for them. Check the shelf," she pointed to a wall. Alexander went over and found a book called Alligator Pie and brought it to where she was setting up a chair. The baby was so small in the incubator. "You can put your hand in through that hole, the connection really does help." 

Alexander nodded and it was a bit difficult to get it all organized. Finally he realized the chair was bollocks. He wasn't tall but it worked best to stand. He put his hand in and ran a finger against an impossibly tiny arm. He rest the book on top and began to read, the prosthetic hand turning the pages. He read a few of the poems multiple times, liking the silly words. He wasn't sure how much time passed but the nurse changed out his book a couple times for him. He stopped reading and looked down at the baby. "Oh, I hope you are loved," he whispered. "Look at you, you look like a fighter, you got someone in your corner?"

"She does," the nurse reassured him. "Her parents are here every day, but her dad works shifts, and they have two other kids. But she has people. Look, she has one right now." The nurse squeezed his shoulder as she went to take the baby from Merlin. "Her mum will be in to feed her soon, poor woman is struggling, she lost a fair bit of blood, her bastard of a doctor didn't notice she was anemic."

"I've made sure that the red flags in his file that you put in have been noticed by people in authority," Merlin said and kissed the baby's head before passing her on. "Anyone else tonight?"

"No, Lachlan, we are good now, and it is getting pretty late. You need some rest. Go home to your nice comfortable bed."

"Call me anytime," Merlin told her.

Alexander followed him out and watched Merlin get redressed. "You do this a lot?"

"Not as much as I would like," Merlin said. "But as much as I can. Eggsy and his yarn crew knit or crocheted most of the blankets and mittens and caps you saw in there."

"He likes making broken things warm, huh," Alexander fingered the scarf around his neck.

"He knits and he cannae keep it all for himself, our house is not that big. Jesus, there is yarn and yarn craft everywhere."

"Being warm is nice," Alexander said, defending the guy he only knew from a few conversations. "You should be thanking him every time he makes you shit."

"I do," Merlin said and they were in the elevator back down. "Now is there anyway I can convince you to crash on our sofa?"

"Don't know what you are thinking, but I'm fine, I'll go home in a bit," Alexander said.

"You went and came back."

"Cafeteria here is cheaper than a lot of other food options," Alexander smiled. "Always food ready."

"Must we do this?" Merlin asked, clearly tired. "I'm worried about my husband, and am always drained after the NICU, so please just come crash on our fucking couch for a night."

"Shove off, don't need a stranger's couch." He stayed on enough couches of people as it was, he wasn't adding another person that he owed.

"Okay then, goodnight, Alexander." Merlin held out his hand.

Alexander stared at it.

"A gentleman shakes the hand that is offered to him," Merlin pointed out.

Alexander shook it. "Whatever," he said and went out the door and when he was sure that Merlin was gone, he went back to the cafeteria. He was running low on the little money he had, but he wanted another cuppa. When he went to pay the man working waved it off, saying that a scottish bloke left 20 quid for whatever Alexander wanted. Alexander thought about refusing, but he really wanted that cuppa. He took it and a bag of crisps and a flake bar back to the corner table and started to read again. He found himself nodding off, the sixth book was kind of boring. His head would have hit the table but it was gently caught and Alexander looked up expecting security.

But of course it was Merlin. 

"Okay so you caught me," Alexander blinked owlishly at him. "But fuck you if you think I'm taking your charity. Don't know you, not really, just the bloke you are in group, that doesn't mean you are actually a good person, just means you are missing a limb."

Merlin nodded and sat down beside Alexander. He picked up the book and began to read quietly. 

Alexander listened and his voice was soothing and he seemed warm. "Not one of those broken babies," he said and didn't want to admit that he was leaning on Merlin just a little. "Don't need fucking skin to skin or some shit."

"Wouldn't suggest it in a million years, it would be creepy as fuck," Merlin said and went back to reading. The book sat on the table and he read and when he put on arm on the back of the booth, Alexander found himself curving into Merlin. 

"Not going to your house," Alexander yawned.

"No, you like to suffer. So we'll suffer." Merlin turned a page. "Rest, I'll read until I can't."

"Why?"

"Because you need me to," Merlin replied.

"Not broken," Alexander said.

"It is okay if you are, we all are, most people just have others to hold the pieces in place when you need to rest."

"You holding my pieces in place."

"Just for tonight, while we're both lonely and scared."

"15 not fucking scared of shit."

"Not offering my age, and scared of so many things," Merlin replied. "Now let me read the whiny crap in this book."

Alexander fell asleep his weight curling into Merlin and the couple times he almost woke he swore he could still hear the guy reading. Hours later, when dawn was maybe near, he woke up and Merlin was still there, holding him, but having fallen asleep, the book a couple hundred pages past where it had been before. Alexander couldn't understand it and packed up quietly. But he stopped at the counter and grabbed tea and ran it back to the table for Merlin before disappearing back into the city.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we finally learn why Merlin tried to kill himself in the mid 90s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings for this chapter include: suicide attempt, suicide ideation, AIDs, AIDs in the 80s, unhealthy coping mechanisms, cutting

Alexander should have known. You can't count on anybody. It's a simple fact. Another meeting and no Lachlan. He had missed two and was looking like to miss a third. All that talk and getting Alexander to maybe believe he wasn't bullshit but of course he was. Well, fuck this, he didn't need the group anyways. He was debating lighting out but a man walked in, in an eye patch that had a skull on it and wearing a perfect suit, the sort Pug Man wore. He decided to pause.

"Hello, welcome," the group leader told him.

"Good afternoon," he said and gave like this nod of his head, all genteel and shit. Eggsy did that sort of gesture. "Your group looks lovely. Lachlan suggested I come."

"Did he?" the woman was enthusiastic. "Are you willing to start us off?"

"If you like," he sat down and Alexander froze, pinned beneath his stare. "My name is Harry Hart and I've been friends with Lachlan since...since well to say would age us rather dreadfully but suffice it to say decades. He ran into problems at work that have kept him away. He thought he'd be able to make it today, he was missing people, but the problem reared its head again."

Alexander quickly stared at his feet, it had seemed the Harry guy had been looking directly at him when he said Lachlan was missing people. But couldn't mean him, they had known each other a few months, Lachlan would have known others here for years.

"I lost my eye on V-day," Harry said calmly. "Or near enough but a few years after...an infection meant that it had to be removed permanently. It was 90% dead at the time, it shouldn't have mattered so much, but it did." Harry gestured with his hands. "It bothered me more than I admitted. So many lost on V-day, more than I did, but for me it lingers. I had a brain clot develop four or so years after and had to have brain surgery and I still have lingering aphasia from the anesthetic. I kept the eye and then lost it. I keep being haunted by the day and every anniversary no matter how long ago now, I wonder what else I might lose." Harry went quiet and sat back in his chair. 

"Thank you, Harry," she said and soon the conversation was lively. Alexander still didn't participate and every time he looked at Harry, the man was watching him. It was bloody unsettling. At the end of the group, Alexander debated blending into the group that was leaving, but the man gave a small shake of his head and Alexander stayed still. He watched as Harry came over and took the seat next to him. And held out an envelope.

"Lachlan did want to be here today. He wanted to be here the last few times but for one he was sick and the other work interfered. He hasn't abandoned you."

"Whatever," he said and refused to take the envelope.

"He did mention that was your favourite word. That and any variation of fuck off and shove off." Harry smiled. "Take the envelope, Alexander."

"What's in it?" Alexander scowled a little. "And those aren't my favourite words."

"Now I'm intrigued, what are your favourite words?"

"Shove off, I ain't sharing shit with you," Alexander said and then paused when Harry smirked a little. He took the envelope but didn't open it. "He told you about me?" He didn't care.

Harry knew how much the young man cared. "You know, you remind me so much of Eggsy. He was a decade older than you when I got him out of lock up, but still, there are similarities." Harry stood up. "Lachlan talks about you. He cares about you. Be careful with that."

"Or what?" Alexander looked up at him. "You going to kill me?" 

Harry smiled faintly and Alexander would not piss himself in fear. "No, I don't do that as much these days." He then laughed like it was a grand joke. "I own a tailor shop the only thing I murder is a bolt of fabric. No, there is no or what. Just learn to see you aren't alone anymore."

"I wasn't alone before."

"The chip on your shoulder, how it doesn't weigh you down?" Harry did that polite head nod thing again and left.

Alexander opened the envelope and inside were gift cards to the grocery store, a book store, coffee shop and a note.

_My apologies._

_I miss insulting your eyeliner._

_Lachlan Craig_

_And they are gift cards not cash so you can't be pissy about charity. Didn't even spend money on them, used points_.

Alexander laughed at that. And maybe if he picked up groceries he could kip with his cousin. Most people were getting a little tired of him, harder to get a couch these days and the ones he could were clearly going to have a lot of strings, strings he was trying to cut. He went to the shops and brought back a bunch and his cousin agreed he could stay for a bit. Only his cousin and his mates got high and figured he was hiding more money. When he crawled out of the flat, the nice old bird down the hall found him lying there and coughing up blood and called an ambulance.

Alexander rather wished they hadn't stolen his arm too. He spit out a tooth on the ground and passed out.

******************************************

"This is my fault," he heard as he slowly woke up.

"How in the fuck is this your fault?" another voice said. He knew that tone. Pug Man. Eggsy.

"I should have been at group."

"You were awake for 38 hours with a work crisis and last I checked these days that isn't as easy for you."

"Fuck off, I cope," Merlin snapped. "Not that old."

"No but you ain't young and you needed rest. You were just coming off the bloody flu." He could hear a small, odd noise, a clacking. "Think he'll like these. He seems the too cool for mittens type, so fingerless gloves. They look edgy."

"Why isn't he waking up?" Alexander felt a pressure on his leg, realized that it was a hand. Merlin was touching his leg.

"He got the shit kicked out of him. And is a bit malnourished. By the way, what are we doing about the blokes that did this?"

"You could stab them with your knitting needles. That would show them," Alexander said and coughed, his throat was so dry. He opened his eyes and god they looked so worried. No one ever looked worried over him. "Why are you here?" He thought about it. "How are you here?"

"Along with your id, you had the support group card in your wallet, they called the group leader, who called me," Merlin explained. "You don't have any family listed for emergency in your wallet."

"Don't have any, anymore," he coughed. Eggsy held a straw to his mouth and the water felt so good. "Just fell down some stairs."

"Bull fucking shit. I know what an arse beating looks like, took my fair share a little older than you." Eggsy pulled the water away. "Slowly, bruv."

Alexander glared at him through the eye that would actually open. "I fell down some fucking stairs."

"Is that what you going to tell the filth?"

"I ain't saying fuck all to the filth no matter what, who does?" Alexander sneered and split his lip open again. Eggsy was going to protest but Merlin was moving and he held a flannel to Alexander's lip. Eggsy went back to his knitting and muttering about how he had never been that stubborn.

Merlin ignored it.

"You have a few stitches, a lot of bruises, a couple missing teeth and well -"

"A missing arm," Alexander said. "It must have gotten lost...when I fell down the stairs."

"I thought you had a mum or somfing," Eggsy said.

"Grandmother," Alexander said quietly. "She died, pneumonia. She was great." Alexander could blame the tears on that, not the fact that he had no one.

"Bugger," Eggsy said and squeezed his hand. "I'm sorry yeah?"

"Do you have somewhere to go?"

"Course I do," Alexander replied. "No worries."

"That is a problem," Merlin said.

"How?"

"Because I worry about ye," he said.

"Why?"

Merlin shrugged, "why not? We have a guest bed."

"Whoopie doo."

"Oh my god, stop being me, and take the fucking bed until you stop pissing blood, then you can go back to your noble suffering. I was not this annoying."

"Aye, ye were," Merlin said and reached over and kissed Eggsy's temple. "Would you like one of us to stay with you?"

"No, not a baby," Alexander muttered.

"Very well," Merlin agreed. "We will be back in the morning. Do you have anything you want us to pick up at any location?"

He thought of the two of them in their posh clothes at his tower on the block. "Fuck no," he said, knowing they'd end up in beds beside him. There were more of those leg squeezes and they were gone. He fell into a restless sleep. In the morning the hospital provided a simple arm and the weight felt wrong but better than no weight at all. He was relieved that it wasn't a super posh car, a standard Range Rover that they picked him up in. They took him to a house nicer than he had ever been in, but it weren't like an estate or nothing. He was told Daisy's room and the offices were off limits, but wasn't told who Daisy was or why about the offices. But fuck it was a real bed, he hadn't slept in one in months and he took a nap.

When he woke up he went downstairs and met a very old pug and a young puppy that gave him resting murder face. "I guess you are Q?" he looked like he would be Merlin's dog.

"R," Merlin said from a doorway, "Q died three months ago. He had been a very good boy. R will be as well, still working on his service training a little, but he is a smart fellow. Mastiff and Dane we believe."

"Bloody horse," Alexander said.

"Food?"

"Chewing hurts."

"Good thing it is soup then," Merlin replied and Alexander followed him. "You were given some pain meds?"

"Yeah, a few," he agreed. He held out the bottle and Merlin had an odd look. "They are the good stuff aren't they?"

"Very good," Merlin said. He put a bowl of soup on the table. "Eat."

"I can't open the lid," Alexander admitted and Merlin did it quietly. He took one and ate the soup. "I fell down the stairs."

"As you say," Merlin responded.

"It...the stairs didn't mean to. They are just awfully high, you know?" Alexander looked at him.

"They didn't have to be."

"They don't...it's easier to be high, than low for some sets of stairs. And not many...doors or halls or stairs?" Alexander was losing the metaphor. "I just...sometimes stairs are all you have."

"Eggsy would understand that sentiment."

"But not you?"

"I've always had...a loving and supportive building around me," Merlin replied. "Alexander, you can stay as long as you want."

"Just a day or two. Until I stop pissing blood."

"I'll get you more soup," was all Merlin said.

****************************************************

He had a feeling he was in the way. I mean, he knew he was in the way, everyone who lent him a couch told him he was in the way, but he just had a feeling. It was tied to the door that was Daisy's. He thought he had heard a girl's voice. "Hey, Lachlan, I should get out of your hair."

"Why?"

"Daisy?"

"She is with Uncle Harry and Michael and having a grand time. And then if you still need more time settling in, she'll go visit her parents in Madrid. She understands."

"Who is she?"

"Eggsy's little sister, she's about...20 months or so younger than you. She understands," he repeated, "that you need time settling in."

"Settling in?" Alexander froze. "What do you mean settling in?"

"Alexander, we have the space, and we enjoy your company. You are welcome to stay as long as you want." Merlin smiled at him, an earnest smile and it freaked Alexander out.

"Fuck off."

"I am serious. You are welcome here."

"Why? And if you fucking say why not, I swear I'll...kick out that fake leg and beat you with it." Alexander could feel his flight or fight instinct getting primed.

"I don't know why," Merlin said. "A million small things perhaps. You remind me of Eggsy, you remind me of me. You need someone looking out for you, and I am very good at looking out for people. I understand you."

"Understand me? We met in a bloody support group. Sure we've 'bonded' but that is over missing fucking limbs. You don't know me."

"I'd like to know you more. We both would."

"How? Just how would you two -"

"Be very careful about what word might pass your lips next. I have been called every single one of them, but I will not abide it in my home," Merlin warned. "I have no interests in your sexually, you are a child. I have an interest in you as a human, and someone who needs aid. I...like I said you remind me of me."

"How?" Alexander asked and Merlin was silent. "HOW?" Merlin still didn't say anything. "Fuck you," Alexander said and stormed out of the house. He realized a few blocks away, he had left his wallet. Fuck he'd break in later that night when they were asleep to get it. Posh fuckers like that never had good security. It was almost midnight when he climbed over the garden wall and started to pick at the back door lock. It took a few minutes but he got it open. He took off his shoes to be quiet as he walked through and froze when a lamp went on in the family room. "Fuck. You going to call the filth then?"

"Thought you'd sneak in about an hour ago. Have to make a fresh pot of tea," Merlin said calmly. He stood up and had a cane. Alexander realized he didn't have his leg on and the man started to walk/hop towards the kitchen.

To make him a cuppa. After he broke in because he had run away and forgotten his wallet. "I'll get it," Alexander found himself saying. He turned and went to the kitchen and made a pot of tea. Everything was easy to find. He had gotten pretty settled in, in the few days he had been there. He brought it back to the family room. "Where's Eggsy then? Thought he'd be here to yell at me."

"I asked to handle this," Merlin said.

"Okay, so handle it," Alexander challenged. "Tell me whatever it is you've been plotting in your head that is all sappy and ohana and like a fucking Disney movie. Get the dogs to sing."

Merlin laughed a little. "No, you don't want the dogs singing at this hour." He poured the tea and settled in with a cup. Alexander realized he had his fingers off too. He was laid bare. Alexander wondered if it was deliberate or just routine at this time of night.

"How do I remind you of you?" Alexander asked. "Because you have fucking everything near I can tell."

"Except the missing bits."

"You grew up happy. You have friends, and Eggsy, and dogs. You have everything. You have the look of a man who has had everything. So how do I fucking remind you of you?" Alexander wiped at a tear that he was so angry had fallen.

Merlin undid his dress shirt. "Do you see the tattoo?"

"It's a bullet. Why do you have a bullet over your heart? Oh god, Eggsy was a shot to your heart? Fuck do not."

"No, this isn't for Eggsy," Merlin said. "It says, a lost soul, in gaelic on it."

"Yeah, you ever lost?" Alexander sneered. "Bull fucking shit."

"Almost thirty years ago, I tried to kill myself with those pain killers they gave you," Merlin stated calmly, like they were talking about the weather. "Your anger is a cover for your fear, fear, abject terror that you are alone. I know that feeling. I know that feeling well."

Alexander stared at him in shock. "You are lying," he whispered. He had to swallow, his mouth was drowning in spit. "You have to be."

"Not something to lie about, lad," Merlin said.

"I..." Alexander couldn't form words. "Why?"

"Because I let guilt and fear eat at me, until they screamed and screamed. I would cut myself a little, and the screams would stop and then the cuts grew larger, more frequent, the screams silent shorter and shorter. And one day, the drugs were there on my shelf. Well expired, ancient, that was pretty much what saved me. That and my friend had been worried about me, and found me."

"I don't..." Alexander looked at him. "I don't think about that. Haven't seen I woke up in the bed and they said we're sorry but the rot was too far up and we had to take the whole thing. But maybe...maybe I thought if anything happened to me, I wouldn't be sad."

Merlin nodded in understanding. "Would you like to know?"

Alexander shrugged. He wanted to desperately, to know what could drive the man in front of him that far, he wanted to know how he came back from that.

"His name was David and we were lovers in the late 80s. We both had very busy and intense jobs and we didn't see each other as much as we would have liked. But when we did it was so romantic and passionate. We had both seen enough that even though we were exclusive we agreed to always use condoms."

"The 80s?" Alexander asked. "That's umm..."

"Indeed. And it turns out we weren't as exclusive as I thought," Merlin said. "And he wasn't as good about condoms when on the pull."

"Oh fuck, but he didn't like pass onto you."

"No, he didn't," Merlin said. "Like I said, condoms and care. And he was very careful not to pass it onto his wife."

"Jesus fucking Christ," Alexander blurted out. "Are you shitting me?"

"Nae," Merlin said sadly. "I wish I was. When he found out, he told me the truth and he went to his wife. Only she kicked him out, cursed him out. And he returned to me."

"And you fucking kicked him to the curb."

"No, I took care of him," Merlin said. "I wore myself to the bone, and cared for him, because he was so lost, in so much pain and hatred. I had never been in the closet. I had too much fuck you in me for that, and that caused suffering of its own. But I was never tortured like him. And when he hated me, for being me, I took care of him. I was at the hospice every day with him, and cleaned him up and fed him, and loved him, no matter how much I tried not too. I even read the bible to him as he died. He sought forgiveness for his wicked ways. I tried to tell him, there was nothing wicked in him, but he couldn't hear me. I thought it only fair to call his wife, to let her know he passed. And she claimed the body and spat in my face, blamed me for it all. She buried him and told everyone they had kept cancer a secret. She had her brothers there to make sure I couldn't attend the service. I went home to Scotland and mourned. My parents, my best friend, they took care of me as best they could."

"But...the timelines don't add up," Alexander said trying to figure it out. "Unless he were sick for a long time."

"No, no but in my grief, I buried myself in work and sex and met a man. He was...he had an agenda, and I missed it, because of everything else. If I was in my own head I would have seen it. And it ended...poorly."

"What happened?"

"That part of the story doesn't matter for you, but the point is it he was the spiral point and I slid down and felt lost. Every attempt I had made at love had been a misery and the only piece connecting it? Was me," Merlin looked at him. "Yes I had parents, and true friends, but any man, every man, I had given my heart to, had beaten to shit. Every time I tried, I believed, I realized, I was told again and again, I was unwanted. And that meant I must be truly flawed. And if I was so flawed in my romantic relationships it would spill over to other aspects of my life. It was a matter of time before the rest stopped loving me as well. I was just keeping my head above the surface and then I ran into his wife again. She was standing on a church corner 'praying' for lost souls. I asked her if that included her husband and she denied that she had even had one. I realized I was the only one carrying him. I went out and got the tattoo and once it was healed I had some old pain medication and I took it all."

"You tried to kill yourself over shitty dick?" Alexander stared at him. "You can't be that pathetic."

"I was," Merlin answered. It was honest, true. "But a friend saved me."

"Harry."

"Aye and when I was healed he beat the ever loving shit out of me." Merlin looked at him. "I was sure I was alone. I wasn't. It just wasn't how I thought love would be. I needed to be reminded there was all sorts of love around me."

"You ever been to his grave?"

"I brought it flowers and I pissed on it."

Alexander laughed a bit. "I'm not like you."

"No, I would hope you would be smarter and see the offers of help around you. That you don't have to be alone. That if you just let it happen, you can skip a lot of the heartache you are putting yourself through."

"My grandmother loved me something great. But there were no one else," Alexander said. "I've made do. I'm clever and strong."

"You are," Merlin said softly. "You are so much stronger than Eggsy or I."

"Damn straight, don't need you. I got me covered." Alexander hurried upstairs and grabbed his wallet and ran back out the back door, knowing it would be difficult for Merlin to chase him down.

****************************************

Alexander didn't go back to group for a month. When he did he was a stone lighter, weight he hadn't had to spare, and his clothes were dirty. He dared anyone to say anything. He dared Merlin to say anything.

Merlin looked at him. "Your eyeliner is a little too Winter Soldier right now, going for full raccoon." Alexander began to sob. "Clear the room," Merlin barked and when no one moved he glared. "NOW!" They all ran. Merlin slowly went over and sat on the chair next to Alexander's but didn't touch him. "Raccoon isn't a bad look on you," he said finally.

"I can't breathe," Alexander said and his head was pushed between his knees and a soothing hand was on his back. His disgusting back, the jacket having been slept on in alleys and Merlin didn't seem to care, just told him how to breathe. "I can't...I don't...Lachlan, I'm so lost and scared and I don't want to be strong." Arms wrapped tight around him.

"I'm plenty strong, Alexander, I can carry you for a bit."

Alexander didn't expect that to be literal but he found himself picked up and carried. He could hear Eggsy curse and somehow he was in a car, and then he was being held up in a shower, and then put in a bed.

And there was Merlin reading him more Harry Potter.

"Can you hold my broken pieces together, just for a little bit?" Alexander asked in a small voice.

"I'll hold them while Eggsy knits them back together, they'll be stronger than ever. You'll be stronger than ever." 

Alexander drifted off as Harry Potter flew away on the Gringrott's dragon.

 


	4. Chapter 4

"A friend is coming over today, do everything she says and answer every question honestly," Merlin said over breakfast. 

Alexander froze. He had been there a month now, three meals a day, new clothes, and care. He was cared for; he knew that there had to be a price for it. And if Merlin was asking him to pay it, well maybe she was pretty and it wouldn't be that bad. "What's her name?"

"Pilar Innis, her husbands may or may not be joining her."

"Husbands?" Alexander asked.

"Twitch and Calvin, they are a triad. Calvin is an idiot but a friendly one. Twitch has magic hands."

"Do I..." he swallowed, "Do I have to do what all three say?"

Merlin looked at him. "A good life lesson? Never do anything Calvin suggests ever. But no, today Pilar will be in charge, look to her for guidance. And if you like I can be there to help you out."

Alexander had no idea if that made it better or so much worse. "What would Eggsy say?"

"This was actually his idea, he was mad I didn't bring them over before now. But he is out shopping with Daisy, she needed some new clothes." Merlin was only half paying attention, also reading on his tablet. "Hmmm, Harry and Michael want you too, but definitely not feeding you to those lions alone. I'll call them, tell them it is everyone or no one."

"Fuck," Alexander shivered. "I don't. Please? Can it be no one?" he was willing to beg.

Merlin looked at him with sympathy. "Of course, I'll tell them another time."

That was something anyways. "When are they coming over?"

"Any minute, Pilar was eager."

"Is she gentle?"

Merlin snorted. "Fuck no. But slightly early menopause has made her so much meaner, so that's fun."

Alexander hunched in on himself and couldn't finish breakfast. Merlin squeezed his shoulder and did the dishes and they went to the family room, where Merlin kept working on his tablet and Alexander poked at the phone they had given him. He had tried to protest, the latest android was too much, but they insisted. And it looked like the costs were all coming due. The door rang and Merlin went to answer. Alexander took a few slow breaths, the calming breathing Eggsy had taught him. He could handle whatever. And if he couldn't, he'd run.

"Hiya," a man said. Alexander looked up at him, and he was younger than Merlin but older than Eggsy. Thinning hair, a happy face. "I'm Calvin, hear Pilar and Twitch are going to do you up proper. Don't worry, I've been warned I'm not to be involved, but when you want a little flare you come to me, okay?"

"Okay," Alexander whispered.

Another man came in and to be fair, the bloke in the skirt was fucking attractive and the woman was too. She had streaks of grey in her dark hair and a red lipstick that looked hot. And all the guys, even Merlin, were looking at her like she hung the sun. "Hi," Alexander said quietly. "Umm, I'm Alexander."

"I know," she snapped, "and you've gained weight from what Lachlan told us." She glared at Lachlan.

"I'm sorry," Alexander tried to suck in, make himself look smaller.

"Oh don't do that, it isn't your fault," she said. "You still look underweight but it fucks up my measurements. And I should have been updated."

"Kitten, like we can't compensate," the man in the skirt said. "Hi, I'm Twitch. I'm going to tune you up, after she's kitted you out."

Alexander noticed the tool box. "Are you going to hurt me?" he tried to sound brave.

"What?" Twitch stared at him. "I mean it might be uncomfortable at first, but I'll be careful. Never scratched a car in the fleet." He smiled. "You look like a kid who needs some doc martens. We'll go shopping."

"Oh lord, do not let him pull you in. There lies madness, MADNESS," Calvin shouted.

"I have work to do, go play with the dogs," Pilar told him and Calvin kissed her cheek and went out to the garden. She stripped down to a tank vest and Alexander paled. "We begin. You take off your shirt."

"Lachlan, I'm scared, please," Alexander began to back up.

Merlin hurried over and hugged him. "I'm sorry," he said immediately. "This is my fault. I've had her working overtime for you and she is tired and that makes her abrupt. She won't hurt you, and I'm staying here the whole time, and we'll talk you through everything we thought, okay? I'm right here. I imagine you had your grandmother with you, the first time?"

Alexander looked at him in horror. "Why the fuck would she have been there? Do you think she sold me out like you are?"

"Sold you out?" Merlin frowned. "That's an odd way to put it. And you were fourteen weren't you? No doctor or tech would have fitted your arm without her there."

Alexander blinked. "You are whoring me to them, to pay you back for all the stuff you've given me."

"You dare think such things about Mer-"

"Lachlan," Twitch quickly filled in and pulled Pilar aside and Alexander thought they were talking Spanish.

Merlin stepped in front of him and all he could see was the old man's face. Every line, wrinkle, the five o'clock shadow, the sadness in his eyes. "You owe us nothing for what we offer you, Alexander."

"You can't mean that."

"Alexander," Merlin looked devastated, "we do."

"Who is she?"

"Pilar runs and R&D department. She's the person who has made all my legs and fingers. I thought it was time we got you set up with a decent arm. You've had that crap one too long."

"It isn't...okay yeah it is shite," Alexander said. "But, like how much does that cost? Hospital ones are free."

"This is too," Merlin said.

"Can't be free, nothing is."

"Daisy goes through shoes at a tremendous rate, she runs. We buy them for her, and there is no cost to her."

"You said she's Eggsy sister, so like she's family and you two seem like the sort to do anything for family."

Merlin nodded, "Exactly."

Alexander had to blink a few times. "Whatever," he managed to say. 

"I apologize, young man, for being abrupt," Pilar said coming over. "I brought a few prototypes, would you like to see and then we can fit you?"

"That'd be good."

Pilar smiled and all the harshness melted away, and she looked so soft and kind. She brought over a large case and opened it up. "Here we go, four different arms," she said. Alexander listened as she explained the benefits and minuses of each and they were the most insane things he had ever seen. One looked close to human, another was skeletal like Merlin's fingers, another was this shiny black with almost a webbing look and one looked like The Winter Soldier arm. 

"I don't actually like comic books and superhero movies," he admitted.

"Then we skip that one, are you willing to try them on?"

Alexander took his shirt off and dared them to say anything about the few scars he had gained along the way. "You need more food, I'll make you my casserole."

"Score," Merlin said. "Best thing you'll ever eat," he promised Alexander.

He hated the feel of the one that looked close to human and the skeletal was okay. But the second he put on the black one the three adults all made a version of the sound, ahhhhh. "It feels good," Alexander said.

Pilar nodded. She was typing on her tablet and then poking the arm. "Tesoro," she said.

"Yeah I see it," Twitch said and opened his toolbox. "Okay, elbow needs some tweaks that I can see better while you are wearing it, so I'll be poking a bit."

"Sure," he replied. "Nice skirt."

"Thanks, her uncle made it. Works at the tailor shop."

"The one Harry owns?"

"Mmmhmm," Twitch said and began to hum a little as he used this impossibly tiny screwdriver. Alexander watched as Pilar and Twitch worked and eventually they nodded and moved away from him. 

"Okay, how does that feel?"

"Good, it looks cool." Alexander looked at it sitting in his lap. "Lighter than it looks."

"Open and close the fingers."

"How, it's just metal," Alexander said.

"Please, this is me," Pilar said. "Move your shoulder about."

Alexander watched as each tiny movement of his shoulder moved the hand and arm. "Holy fuck," he said, jaw dropping.

"We are just getting started. Let's set each motion." Pilar was typing away. "This will take a while. Tea please."

"I'll get it," Twitch said immediately so that Merlin didn't have to leave Alexander. It took two hours of calibrations but it was as close to having his arm back as Alexander could imagine. He sat there and watched the black fingers open and close. He couldn't do anything else. Just watch them open and close. He barely felt the gentle kiss on his head from Pilar or heard them leave.

Open. Close.

Open.

Close.

Open.

"Alexander, you okay?"

Open. "Yeah, I'm fine," he said. Close.

"We need to talk about your fears," Merlin said quietly. "We can wait until Eggsy is home."

"It was stupid."

"How bad, Alexander were things after your grandmother died?"

Open.

Close.

"They started to get bad before. She was old, you know? Like seriously old, and my uncle took advantage. So we never had money, and like I sometimes...helped him out with some business endeavours. And after she died, I thought I'd live with him, but he got shanked in a business deal went south. And I just sort of floated? She had a little money set aside, but I used it to bury her right, she deserved that. Sold everything."

"Child services should have gotten involved."

"Fuck them," Alexander replied. Open. Close. "Easy to dodge if you know what to do. I was fine. I was making do."

"It sounds like your grandmother would like more for you than making do," Merlin said.

Open. Close. "Yeah well looks like I am, don't it?" Alexander looked at Merlin. 

"I suppose it does."

"Hey why do Harry and Michael want me?"

"To tie you up in their sex dungeon to introduce you to the dark arts of love," Merlin said deadpan. Alexander kicked him. "Too soon, huh?"

"Uh yeah, I was rather fucking traumatized by the thought of you renting me out," Alexander tried to make it sound like a joke and he kicked Merlin again. It was the fake leg, he didn't want to push too hard.

"I am sorry," Merlin was sincere. Alexander realized the guy was always sincere. "You owe us nothing, ever. And that was a stupid joke. I'll be clearer in our intent and plans with ye. Can I hug you?"

"Whatever," Alexander leaned towards him and was wrapped up in that hug that he was starting to get used to.

To believe in.

Open.

Close.

Open.

Close.

*********************************

"Okay since we are stuck with each other, you never go in my room, you never talk to me before a track meet, you never make fun of my jumpers and if you take the last biscuit in the jar, I murder you."

Alexander back against a wall. He wasn't tall for his age, and she was even smaller and he was terrified. "Hi, I'm Alexander."

"Daisy." She nodded and went to her room and slammed the door.

"Hey, think of it this way, diving into sibling rivalry from the get go! Means bonding right?" Eggsy asked. Alexander gave him a look. "Yeah I told her to play nice, but well, you know. Been a lot of change in her life."

"In hers?" Alexander asked.

"Yeah," Eggsy said. "Change the family all agreed to, but still change. And to be fair she did try to murder Lachlan when he took the last biscuit too. She doesn't like new people in her circle. When she was 3 she despised Lachlan, and she took a long time to warm up to Sean. She'll adjust."

"She's kinda scary," Alexander said and was thoroughly embarrassed by that.

"I know, we're so proud." Eggsy grinned. "Stew for dinner."

Alexander had a nightmare a few nights later and went to make some cocoa. He was as quiet as possible, Merlin had been working some crazy hours recently, and Eggsy was clearly worried about him. He read on his phone while he waited for the kettle. He munched on biscuits from the jar and looked in horror when his hand hit the bottom and found nothing. "Oh god, oh god." If he upset her, he'd be kicked out, he knew that. He ran back upstairs and grabbed his wallet and keys and dashed out of the house. It took a while to find a store still open but he bought three boxes of biscuits and ran back home and filled the jar. "Oh god, what if she hates those ones?" he said out loud. He couldn't sleep, sure he'd be kicked out.

"Alexander?" Eggsy's voice called up. "Can you come down?" 

Alexander packed his bag with the stuff he couldn't live without and brought it down. "Hey," he said. The three were sitting at the table.

"Going to a gym or something?" Eggsy asked. The biscuit jar was overflowing, the lid barely on. "And you got the explanation for that?"

"I had a nightmare, and when I was waiting for the kettle, I ate the last one. I tried to fix it. I did, I'm sorry." He looked at Daisy. "I'll go okay?"

"Huh?" Daisy frowned. "Wait...he doesn't get it?"

"I, shit, guess not," Eggsy realized.

"I'm an arse," Daisy groaned.

"Ye are," Merlin agreed, not looking up from his laptop.

"I'm not going to murder you."

"We were joking," Eggsy added.

"She doesn't want me here, and well, you'll pick her," Alexander said to Eggsy.

Eggsy had to sit down. "I don't...I thought we were passed this."

"Passed what?" Alexander was confused. "Look, I get it, she comes first, and -"

"Hey I don't like another person here, especially another boy, but come on, like I'm going to tell Lachlan his son has to leave. I'm going through teen emotional crap, but I'm not a fucking idiot."

"I'm not his son," Alexander said.

"As you say," Eggsy and Daisy both replied. Merlin smiled faintly.

"Why do you all say that?"

"Lachlan's way of politely calling bullshit," Eggsy explained. "Took me years to dime into it. You? You stay here. Always. Even if you take the last biscuit in the jar."

Daisy nodded. 

"Oh," Alexander said. "Whatever."

He sat down and Eggsy gave him some toast. Alexander ate. 

When he woke up the next morning there was a plate of fresh baked biscuits in front of his door, with an I'm sorry note on top and a drawing of a flower on it. No one had apologized to him like these people did, for what seemed like forever whatever went wrong was always his fault. But they said I'm sorry here, and took the blame. It was weird.

They were good biscuits.

*******************************************

"This place is huge," Alexander said staring at Harry and Michael's house.

"It suits, Harry," was all Merlin said and walked in without knocking. 

"Come on, Edward made all the dessert and it will be amazing," Daisy shouted and ran in.

"Oi, you eat some real food before the dessert!" Eggsy shouted after her. "There is going to be about 20 or so people in there. Just a family thing for their anniversary party."

"Why am I here?" Alexander had met Harry maybe half a dozen times, Michael once.

Eggsy rolled his eyes at that and just dragged him inside.

It wasn't a stuffy party, it was just people milling about and eating food and a boy was running about and calling Michael grandpa and Michael was chasing him. Harry was leaning against a wall and talking to a few people. He recognized a couple from showing up at the house to pick up Eggsy or Merlin, from Eggsy's knitting group that had met in the family room one night. He decided to go get some food. It was all super tasty. He walked around a bit, never settling with anyone, just sort of poking about. The house was a lot richer than Merlin and Eggsy's and the butterflies were a little weird, but it still felt like a home.

"Having fun?" Harry asked coming to stand next to him as he looked at photos.

"It's alright," Alexander replied. "Bit boring."

"We'll break out the cribbage board later," Harry replied.

"Wild," Alexander said. "You look happy there."

"I was marrying Michael, no reason to be anything but joyful."

"You still feel that way?" In his experience, marriage wore people down, made them resentful.

"More than," Harry replied. "When you love, and are loved, the feeling is always expanding." Harry pointed at a picture. "Look at Lachlan."

"He's looking at Eggsy. He always looks at Eggsy like that, like he's everything." Alexander shrugged. "Eggsy looks at him like that too. And sometime they catch each other with those stupid smiles and boom off they go upstairs and on the headphones go."

"Still as much in lust with Michael as when we first got together. Always throw down when he calls me Daddy," Harry said and looked horrified.

"Shit, Haz, how much champagne have you had?" Alexander is torn between being grossed out and laughing at the poor old guy.

"Clearly one too many," Harry said, all proper manners and genteel posture. "I had a point."

"What was it?"

"It has a different feel to it, but they smiley stupidly when they look at you. Like they do when they are proud of Daisy."

"I ain't done shit to make them proud of me." Alexander wanted them to be proud of him but he wasn't special.

"You survive and grow every day. That strength is something to be very proud of," Harry said. "You are welcome here anytime, just so you know."

"Whatever," Alexander felt something in his stomach at the sincere offer, a warmth. These people just kept pulling him in and he was starting to think that maybe they meant to keep him.

"Michael will make a speech soon, we shouldn't miss it."

"No one would miss me," Alexander said.

"Lying to yourself like that must be exhausting." Harry dragged him to the great room and sure enough Michael made a speech and beamed at Harry through the whole thing and Harry was looking at him soppily. He saw Merlin and Eggsy holding hands and Daisy wrapped herself around Eggsy's arm. Merlin looked over and held out the hand with those metal fingers. Alexander eased over. He wasn't a baby and needing to hold a hand while everyone was being idiotically sentimental. But he leaned against Merlin, just a bit.

*********************************************

"Eggsy has nightmares, I read to him," Merlin said.

Alexander was watching telly on the couch. "Like you do me." It was late and he thought he had been quiet and kept the volume low. But Merlin always heard him.

"Like I do for you. Like I did for Harry once, when he needed my voice. And Daisy when she's sick."

"We finished Harry Potter."

"I thought we'd try the Dark Materials books. Eggsy was never interested."

"Whatever," Alexander said, but when Merlin sat down, he maybe rested his head in Merlin's lap. "I was dreaming about falling down the stairs."

"Ye are safe here, always." Merlin began to read and it soothed Alexander.

"You read to the people you love," Alexander said quietly.

"I do, it is a way to show how much I care for them."

"You read to me."

"I do at that," Merlin said and read until Alexander fell asleep and a little passed that.

**********************************************

The whole support group froze when Alexander put his hand in the air.

"Yes, Alexander?" the leader asked.

Alexander wanted to talk but the words were stuck. He felt Merlin's fingers close around his.

"It was a goddamn cat scratch, that's all it was, just a fucking scratch from an alley cat as I trying to get it free from some plastic it got stuck in," Alexander began.

Merlin held his hand the whole time he talked.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> several years in the future during Alexander's candidate training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading

"So, Alex, you never said, they find you in the military?" one of the other candidates asked.

They were down to six of them left and Alexander had kept interaction to a relative minimum, these were people who were in his life for a short time. Though not as short as he expected. A few of the people were good and this had gone on a couple months longer already than he expected. There was a girl, he thought it was maybe Auntie Gem's candidate who was real competition, but he'd win in the end - he couldn't disappoint Dad 2 by not winning. Sure he knew Dad 2 wouldn't be disappointed so long as he tried, but he wanted this. He wanted to be like the rest of his family.

"No, grad school. Art History," Alexander said. "Had been debating a phd, but a Knight of the Table thought I might find this interesting as well."

"Art history?" one of the guys began to laugh.

"Yeah, particular emphasis on fabric and yarn craft."

"Wait, you were studying fucking knitting, and have the best range scores of all of us? Fuck you," another shouted out. "How'd that come about?"

"One of my dads and one of my uncles taught me."

"Oh yeah?" the same person, the one who had been trouble and been treating Daisy like shit this whole time said. "Dad or Daddies?"

Alexander tilted his head. "I am in a good mood, today's scavenger hunt went well so you get one chance. One chance to take that back, take the insinuation in your words back, or I will put you in that body bag."

"I am almost double your size, you fucking runt, and your hand to hand scores are the weakest, probably because you are a fucking -"

Alexander was done. He wasn't going to let the guy finish that sentence. He stood up and looked at the camera and smiled. "Did you read the rules book The Durga gave us on the second day?"

"Skimmed it," the guy responded. "So what?"

"I invoke The Trials clause. I declare you a gentleman unbecoming the Knight of the Table and demand the right to formally fight you and when I win have you removed from this competition."

"You need one of us to back you up," the girl said. "And I formally do."

"That's not in there," the guy protested. "Only the birds in charge can kick us out, and still say they are for show, someone behind them is pulling the strings."

"Bruv, fuck off, I'm going to kick your arse into next week for not respecting them, for not respecting me, for not bloody respecting the Kingsman," Alexander snarled. "The Trials clause," he shouted.

Their door opened and The Morrigan and The Durga stood there. "We heard you. But in this one instance we do need permission of Arthur. I have no doubt that he will give it, and while we wait for that permission, we can go to the gym so you can warm up," The Durga said and turned to walk away.

The Morrigan looked at them. "You understand the loser is removed from training, correct?"

"I do," Alexander nodded. "But think of it this way, saves you all the ways you were planning to kill him and make it look like an accident."

"Oi," the guy said. "Like she could do it."

"It was going to be in his soup, cliched to poison the soup, but sometimes the classics are the best. And it wouldn't have killed him, just made him impotent for the rest of his life." She smiled at the man. "Not that your tiny dick is worth anything anyways." The guy stepped forward and her grinned sharpened. "Please, try."

He was just smart enough to back down.

All the candidates went to the gym and the jackass began to throw fake punches and prep and try to make a big show of it. Alexander rolled his eyes. This guy had been clearly a last minute random pick. But he was annoyingly good at tactics which is what left him in this long. Alexander did some yoga to loosen himself up and the guy was yelling insults that he easily ignored. It wasn't anything he hadn't heard before. They all heard the door open and three men walked in. Arthur, Galahad, and Bedivere, that at least answered who nominated him. They all walked over to The Women and talked for a while. 

Bedivere approached his candidate. "Apologize for your mouth and withdraw with dignity."

"Fuck no, the cripple has it coming," the man said.

Bedivere shook his head. "Very well, Alexander, try not to make it hard to dispose of the body afterwards."

"What?" the man shouted and glared at Bedivere. "You think he's going to win? I've beaten him the three other times we sparred."

"He didn't give a fuck those times. He cares now." He stepped back over to the group and nodded to The Women. "My apologies, I knew he was a hothead, but I thought it was like how I had been, not this."

"We accept," they said in unison.

Arthur stepped forward. "No time limit, nothing is off limits, the fight ends when one of you taps out or is unconscious at which time you will be removed from this candidate training. Good luck."

Alexander looked at Dad 2 who was grinning widely and wiggled his brows. He tapped the side of his glasses and winked. So Dad was going to be watching this too. He really couldn't fail now. He stepped into the ring and took a few deep breaths. He looked at the man and felt a little sorry for him. "Drop out now," Alexander told him. "You don't want this, not the way the rest of us do. You only want it because you like winning, not because you believe in the table. Walk away."

The guy didn't answer, just charged at Alexander. And for the first time in the training, Alexander unleashed everything he had been taught over the years. The other guy was knocked out cold in less than 2 minutes. Alexander gave an extra kidney kick. "That's for my sister, you fucking tosser," he whispered.

"That kick gets you double load for your course run tomorrow," The Durga commented.

It was all over quickly and they went back to their dorm.

It was quiet and the girl looked at Alexander. "How much have you been holding back?" she asked.

"A lot," he admitted.

"Do we even have a chance?" she stared at him and he just shrugged.

"You might," he offered. "But I doubt any of you want this as much as I do."

"Why?"

"My reasons are my own," was all he said and went to have a shower.

*************************************

The Durga handed him a pistol. "Shoot your dog."

His border collie was sitting perfectly still in front of him and looked at him like he hung the moon. He held the pistol at his side. The dog wasn't reacting at all, having seen his master with a gun many times over the last 15 months. He just tilted his head and waited for an order.

Alexander kept the pistol at his side. He lifted his prosthetic arm and his fingers made a gun. "Bang, play dead," he said and Boris the Border Collie dropped down and flopped on his back. He looked at The Durga, "there, I shot him."

She smiled at him. "Well done," she said. "Very well done." They heard the shot from the next room. "Congratulations," she told him. The test had evolved over the years and you won your seat at the table for not pulling the trigger, for choosing the person who stood at your side over a blind order with no reasoning behind it.

Eggsy had wept the day Harry had changed that rule fully.

The Durga went and opened the door and sighed. "Well come in," she said.

Arthur lead the group. He went over and held out a hand. "Congratulations, Lamorak, welcome to the table."

"Thank you sir, I will serve with honour," he promised. 

Harry used the grip to pull him close. "I'm so proud of you," he said as he hugged him tight. "And I got to tell you first."

"Thanks, Grandpa," Alexander said.

The Morrigan came running in from the other room and jumped on his back and laughed maniacally. "I get to order you around for the rest of your life!" she crowed. "It's gonna be brilliant!"

"Thanks, I hate you," Alexander said and she kissed his cheek.

"Daisy, leave off of your brother," Eggsy said as he came over. "Sasha," was all he said. Daisy got off his back and Eggsy pulled him into a hug. 

"Dad 2, I did it," Alexander said.

"I knew you would, you are just like your dad, the guv, aren't you?" Eggsy was having to wipe tears away and didn't care that everyone saw.

Alexander squeezed him tight. And they both heard a throat clear and Eggsy gave a last extra hug and stepped back.

The room quickly emptied leaving Merlin and Alexander alone. Alexander wondered if it had been better that he hadn't been in charge of the training or worse. He knew retirement had been a tough call for his dad, thought it was retirement from everyone except Eggsy. "Well?" Alexander asked.

"Brought your eyeliner for you," Merlin said. "Was weird to see at that footage of you without it." 

He had shed over the years most of the dark clothes, and gothness, but he looked good in eyeliner and kept it up, but it would have been a lot of work during training. "Whatever," Alexander said.

"Whatever indeed, Sasha," Merlin said and Alexander crashed into his dad's embrace.

"I'm a Kingsman, Dad," he whispered into Merlin's shoulder. "I matter. I matter to the world."

"Oh baby," Merlin kissed his head. "You always did. Just because you were you. Because you were Sasha."

Alexander nodded. They stayed like that for a good few minutes. "Harry is throwing a party, right?"

"You know your grandfather," Merlin said. "But first, first we go to the shop. Hamish has your suit ready for you. Are ye ready?"

"Just watch me, Dad," Alexander said.

"I will," Merlin said, smiling. Beaming. "I will."


End file.
